My God is the God who provides.

Sometimes it’s really hard to compose your most personal thoughts into words. I’ve been writing for years- writing about other people’s lives, their stories, their memories, their deepest thoughts and most personal secrets. It’s easier to write about other people- although we’re inadvertently affected by their stories in some capacity, we can usually forget about other people’s stories rather quickly.

But my own personal thoughts? They don’t translate into words very easily. Tears shed when I put my thoughts into words--because they’re my thoughts and my secrets and I don’t necessarily want to talk about them all the time. But writing is, in some way, a window to the soul. And God already knows my angst and struggles, so in reality, my thoughts are not just my thoughts.

I’m in a season of drought, if you don’t my figurative speech. I’m struggling in resting fully in God and relying fully on Him. I’ve been putting my trust in my job, my schoolwork, my relationships--in the things of the world that will ultimately let me down.

I find myself stressing out over my summer internship and summer job and whether I’ll even have money this summer. All I want is to work for LifeWay for my internship- it’s what I’ve wanted since I first declared my major the first week of my freshman year in college. I’m now playing the waiting game, waiting to receive a call and schedule an interview with the company I’ve been dreaming about for two and a half years. I’ve stressed out over this new job I’ve applied for--an administrative position with ESP until the end of the school year and hopefully part-time during the summer as well (even with the internship).

I’ve found myself retreating to jealousy when my nine friends who are getting this married start talking about weddings. I’m engaged to the love of my life-my best friend-so I know that I theoretically have no reason to be jealous. But a year and a half is a long time. Neither one of us realized how long this really was. The past two and a half years of dating flew by so quickly that we assumed a year and a half would be a breeze and fly by as well. I can honestly say that it’s going by incredibly slow and July 14, 2012 cannot get here fast enough.

My soul is hungry for the Lord and I have not been in the Word as I should have. My heart is full and heavy, my soul is restless, my body is tired (I only get about 5 hours a sleep nowadays), and my mind is stressed.

I’ll close with lyrics from Hillsong “Desert Song:”

“This is my prayer in the desert, and all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need, My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames”

Hello, 2011

I haven't blogged since last year, forgive me! 2011 has started out wonderfully, albeit the fact that I'm weak and sick and haven't ate anything but a chicken sandwich in the last 30 hours. Yes, some sort of stomach bug has graced my presence.

School has started, but I've only been to class once so far, so I'm not going to make any judgments about this semester as of yet. It's a little crazy knowing already how much will happen in the next 12 months.

This year I'll watch as seven friends start their lives as Mr. & Mrs.! I'll walk down the aisle in one of those weddings to watch my best friend since birth tie the knot!

This year I'll begin finishing up my college career. I'll start my internship in either the summer or fall (God-willing at LifeWay!).

This year I'll walk across the stage at Murphy Center and accept my diploma at Middle Tennessee State University.

This year I'll start looking for a full-time job as I prepare to graduate from college.

This year I'll start wedding planning, in anticipation of marrying my best friend in the whole world on July 14, 2012.

Granted, I think 2012 will be the best year EVER because I'm getting married, but I am SO excited about what this year holds!

Oh, What a Year!

As 2010 comes to an end, I'm reminded how thankful I should be that I am not in control of my own life. If the reins were in my hands, I'd probably be dead right now. Or in a ditch slowly dying. Or homeless. But I'm not- and I'm not in control of my life. I'm constantly reminded that God has a great plan for my life- yes, I'm responsible for my choices and the decisions I make. But God is in control! I'm consistently reminded of Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It's the verse we've memorized since elementary school, or at least since our senior year of high school when we were freaking out about what college to go to and what to do with our lives. As common as it is, it still reminds me of God's faithfulness.

If you had asked me on December 26, 2009 what would happen in 2010, my answer would have probably gone something like this:

I will babysit...a lot. I'll probably search all year for a job and not find one, maybe fail a class, live in Smith again with Kourtney, keep dating Stephen, go on vacation, move home for the summer and save some money, look for some nanny jobs, and live somewhat happily ever after.

Let's just say that I wasn't too excited about the upcoming year. I was tired of the dorms, but I wasn't finding any luck on an apartment (or steady job). Stephen and I were having a few, albeit not serious, problems and I was struggling through that. I was losing confidence in finding a job. I had just made my first C in the fall of 2009. I wasn't sure when I was going to graduate. I had a crazy semester in the spring of 2010 and took 18 hours in the fall of 2010. Let's just say that on December 26, 2009 I was not expecting 2010 to be the best year yet.

But, that's why I'm glad I'm not in control. I'm grateful that God loves me enough to, well, strip away my ideas of what my life is going to be like. Despite my pride and arrogance, God loves me. Me. And only HE knows what my future holds for me.

No, 2010 was not the best year of my life. Ask me again in about 60 years when I'm dying, and we'll talk. I think I have a lot better years to come, if you ask me. Personally, I think 2012 is looking good right about now.

Now, on December 26, 2010 I'm glad I can say that what I expected in 2009 did not come true.

Yes, I had two of the hardest semesters of my life. But no, I didn't fail a class. In fact, I made the Dean's List one semester and maintained my cumulative 3.6 GPA.

Yes, I babysat...a lot. But I also found a job that I love and have been working at since May.

Yes, I continued to live with Kourtney in the spring of 2010 (and I miss her), but I finally moved into my own apartment in May (the day before I started my job) and love living there!

Yes, Stephen and I have had arguments just like every other couple. But we manage to work through every single one of them. I'm thankful for him and grateful that he's in my life. To stay.

Because he proposed. I said yes. And we're getting MARRIED! I know it's going to be hard, because dating is hard. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy but we love each other very much and cherish one another very much.

I didn't know when I was going to graduate. I thought it would be late, but instead I'm graduating in December of 2011. (So on December 26, 2011 I'll be reminiscing of my last year of college)

Anyways, I'm rambling. I've just been thinking these past few weeks about God's faithfulness and how foolish I am not to trust in His word every day of my life. I keep turning back to that verse of Scripture (among others) and the promises that God has assured to me.

I promise, this whole blog post would have been better if I actually thought it out first.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!

AHHHHHH!!

After two years and three months of dating and ohh...2 years and 2 months of talking about marriage, we are finally engaged! praaaiiseeee the Lord!

Total surprise!!

Stephen and I went to the Opryland Saturday night with two of our good friends-Kourtney and Dustin, who were apparently in on the whole thing. I was totally surprised- I thought for a while that it would happen this Christmas, but he threw me for a loop when he said I was getting my hopes up and it wouldn't be til summer.

Needless to say, we're very, very excited. We set the date- July 14, 2012- it's a little far off, but I'll be graduating in December '11 and he'll graduate the following May. We both want to be done with our undergrad degrees when we go get hitched. We're still praying about jobs, where we'll live, seminary, etc. but God will provide! I'm so ready to start planning but I know that I have plenty of time for that and don't need to get too worked up about it yet.

But yeeeehhhawwwww I'm getting MARRIED to my best friend in the world!

Kourtney captured absolute excitement and surprise with this pic!

Me, Myself, and I...and the nail guy.

Yesterday, I spent $30 and got my nails done. I also aimlessly walked around stores trying on boots and cute dresses.

I don't do things like that. I try to live considerably within my means. But I think that sometimes--only sometimes--it's okay to splurge and do something nice for yourself. Monday was an absolutely horrible day at work, I had a splitting headache, my Bible study was canceled for the night, and I had no homework that was really pressing. Stephen was out with friends and quite frankly, I just wanted some time to myself.

So I left work at 4:30 and I got my nails done. I sat there for an hour while a man (who was rather blunt and told me I had shabby nails and chubby fingers...gee, thanks :/ ) cleaned and buffed my nails and applied the acrylics (my nails are short :/). If anything, I got to watch the news which was glorious. I never get to watch the news anymore- I mean, what serious journalism student doesn't watch the news!?

I don't really feel bad about my $30 splurge either. I think I may get my hair cut Thursday. Quite frankly, it just feels good to take time for myself and do something for myself. My Christmas shopping is [almost] done and school is going to be over in 4 days. I needed a break and a treat for myself.

And "me" time?

It was amazing.
I think I make for some pretty great company.

BLAH.

I'm so bad about blogging.
I'm really tired of school. Seriously, it may just be the death of me.
Why am I a journalism major? Because I really don't know right now.

I have 5 papers due in the next week and a half.

• A re-write of my Common Law paper for my Law class.
• A term paper on terrorism for my Law class.
• My term paper in Social Work.
• My term paper in Global News.
• My movie review paper in Global News.
• My final historical article in Feature Writing.

CRAP. That's six.
Shoot. There's a reason I'm a journalism major and not a math major.

Honestly, I'm kind of over it.
I'm going to get a manicure on study day. I think that by then, I'll deserve it.
If I'm not dead.

But on December 11, Stephen and I are going with our dear, dear friends Kourtney and Dustin to dinner and to see the lights at the Opryland! Christmastime date night! The following Saturday we're going with our other wonderful friends Marc and Brittany to see DAVE BARNES in concert. :) Christmastime date number two :) This weekend will be pretty chill (well, as chill as writing 6 papers will be).

See ya later, blogging world.
I should probably go write a paper now.

Thankfulness.

Since my last blog entry highlighted my selfishness, I'll make this one about my thankfulness :)

One. I'm extremely thankful to be adopted into the family of Christ. To be called a daughter of God and a sister of Christ. I'm thankful to have the opportunity to worship freely and openly in the manner that I choose to do so.

Two. I'm thankful for my parents who love me unconditionally and who are always there for me.

Three. I'm thankful for my boyfriend who teaches me how to love unconditionally and who has been there for me through some of my hardest times.

Four. I'm thankful for my extended family in Murfreesboro (the Hambys!) who have taken me in and made me feel like I'm part of the family when I'm away from my own.

Five. I'm thankful for my "adopted" momma and daddy- Kendra and Justin- and their hospitality, their Godly marriage, and the love they've shown Stephen and me in mentoring us!

Six. I'm thankful for my little brother! He is just plain awesome.

Seven. I'm thankful for my beautiful friends. My life would be boring without them.

Eight. I'm thankful for the girls in my community group (although they also fall under seven). The fellowship I have with them is beautiful and wonderful and their encouragement uplifts me each week!

Nine. I'm thankful for my job and for the laughter my co-workers bring each day.

Ten. I'm thankful for the many opportunities I've been given this year and all the experiences to come in the following year :)